Thursday, September 27, 2007

Fear and the Sovereignty of God

I know that those of you who also read my husbands blog are thinking, "Hey, that is Curtis' subject!" Sorry, but the heading really fits in with this post. As I was driving down 100th street tonight on my way to choir, it started raining pretty hard. I noticed a couple that was on the right hand shoulder of the road. They were walking swiftly, trying to beat the oncoming drops of rain. They were pushing an umbrella stroller in front of them. As I passed by, I glanced over at them and saw that they were pushing a little boy, probably a little over a year old. He had no coat on, no blanket, no hat, and there was no canopy over top of him -- he was soaked. I continued my driving and thought to myself, "I have two empty seats right now in my car and an empty car seat for their child. I should pull over and offer them a ride." However, I kept on driving, all of the while telling myself to just turn around and offer help. But fear settled into my head. The chances that they were going to murder me, kidnap me, or steal my car is pretty slim, but that is not what is told through the media. They tell when things go sour, but how many times do people offer help on the side of the road and nothing happens. It probably outweighs the bad 100,000 to 1. I arrived at the church for choir practice with my stomach in knots, my fear of circumstances had gotten the better of me. I guess that I am not like Paul who can say "For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain." But Paul didn't have kids, he wasn't married. How can someone like me say that? I know where I am going when I die, there is no doubt in my mind. But I am scared for my kids, my husband, my family. I wasn't and still am not trusting in God's sovereignty, and it is not the first time that this has happened. When Hannah had her seizure, and I was holding her limp body in my arms, I remember telling God that I wasn't ready to let her go. Thankfully, through God's grace, she was OK. But who am I to tell God anything except that I am wretched and that I deserve whatever He wills! I have to admit that this is such a struggle for me. Please, if you read this, pray that God will change my heart and grow me in this area. I am not understanding how fear and the sovereignty of God can co-exist. The thing is, they can't. That is the bottom line.

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